I went for a run today.  I ran in the rain, let the mist creep over my skin; I always run too quickly to let it cling to me.  People always ask me how I can run for such long distances, miles and miles, but it’s the only thing that clears my head completely. I can calm myself until all I think and all I feel is the intake of moist air running down my throat, into my lungs, filling my blood, and back out again, the cycle complete; rhythm is beauty. All at once, I am a million different versions of myself; I am running through the thick humidity of a hot summer’s day, breathing in the exhaust from a million cars, keeping time to the crunch of asphalt beneath my feet, I am running through the bushes, cutting my ankle with the haggard branches, the sweet scent of floral rushing through my veins, I am running through the highlands of Scotland, away from home, running till my body forces me to stop, running to remind myself that I’m alive, I am running by the bay in Hong Kong, questioning my purpose, seeking refuge in the sound of the breaking waves, hoping they can block out the rest.

I have built my life on connections….every day I am a million different people, I live a million different lives.

I remember being six years old and walking downtown with my dad…it was Christmas time and all the trees were lit up, all the shops stayed open so late, and there were so many people, people everywhere…and it was so cold. My dad put me on his shoulders and we walked around looking at the lights until I was too cold. So we went into the bookshop that used to be down there…Dickens-Reed. I always loved that place…..when I got older, in the summer time, I would spend whole days just walking down there, looking at all of the books. Then the used book store opened across the street and I split my time but Dickens-Reed was always my favorite. I was so sad when they closed that bookstore….that was my idea of a perfect job. I would run the business by day and write at night. There was a bakery too, I could bake all day, whatever I wanted. When I go home to my parent’s house, I bake all the time…anything, everything. They always have all these extra ingredients and spices…things I could never afford to buy. I feel like that little kid again…I fall asleep at night planning out things that I want to cook, books I want to write, to read. These aren’t earth-shattering things, but these are my favorites. If the world were perfect, these are what I would want all the time…..but it’s not perfect…and maybe these are just parts of a pretty childhood that I have to leave behind now.

It’s a big world out there and….I’m not really afraid of it….just nervous that things will change too much. I’ve wanted to be a writer since  I was five years old…that’s all I ever wanted to be. It’s funny how your goals change as you grow up. I used to want to write a novel, something that could show people a good story….something that would make them think about something in a new way but, in the end, just make them happy that they had read it. I wanted them to love to read like I did…to stay up late, wasting hours away, just reading. But now….I just don’t have any hope there. I’m not very good…that’s not me beating down on myself, I’m just not….and it makes me sad to think that I can never give people that….like I owe all of the authors that I love, owe them for all of the hours I’ve spent reading them…and now I’m just letting them down.

It’s almost 6 a.m….I guess I should go to bed.

I’ve been thinking about the illustrated man…..

probably a good idea. Sometimes it’s too hard to explain what’s really important to you in life, what has touched you deeply, maybe it would be easier to have a picture on your skin. Then you don’t have to try to explain….words fall short anyway.

I’ve been listening to too much Elliott Smith today……his songs always make me so sad even though they’re so pretty. It’s funny how there’s this deep, almost profound sadness  once someone’s gone that gets associated with everything they made.  He could have made the happiest songs in the world but now they’re stained somehow…like the original meaning is going to be distorted by his death no matter how you read them.

I wonder if suicides knew that they are going to be suicides before they die, if they would believe it….would it shock them? Sometimes I wonder if everyone knows they’re going to die right before they do, no matter what, but just can’t do anything about it…don’t take that the wrong way, I’m not depressed or anything….just a couple of weird thoughts.

hmmm…

I can’t sleep….as usual. I’ve had really weird sleep habits for the last month or so…and have only gotten around 3/4 hours of sleep the last couple of nights.

Maybe it’s Hong Kong…

Maybe it’s Colin…

Maybe it’s the dreams…every night I dream…I started dreaming today during a 15 minute nap. I used to almost never dream but they’ve gotten really frequent in the last year or two.

In the last week or so alone I’ve dreamt that I married Colin, that we had a baby girl named Isabella, that someone stole Isabella, that Colin got tired of me and dumped me….all on different occasions. Sometimes they’re so vivid that that’s all I can think about the next day. Like Isabella’s eyes….as blue as an open sea, as blue as sapphire…staring up at me.

Life is a mystery.

Take this survey

1. Who was the last person to call you babe? Colin.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Yes.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? Yes…I plan on it.

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you? not really…?

5. Do you play Sudoku? not much but  I like it.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive? dunno. I hope so.

7. Have you danced in the rain? yes.

8. Would you consider yourself a jock/prep/goth/emo/gangster? ….I think I’m a little old for that.

9. Ever been to the beach? yes.

10. Do you like cheese? yesssss.

11. Have you ever been to the emergency room? only when I broke my arm in the third grade.

12. Do you like hot or cold weather more? hmmm…I haven’t really lived in the cold.

13. How many different kinds of meat have you eaten? what?!

14. Do you pass gas and blame it on others? HAHAHAHA. no.

15. Do you like winter? yes.

16. Have you wiped a booger under your desk? ew. no.

17. Do you have a secret crush? it’s not really much of a secret.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do? hmmm….well, I’m in dorms, so I’d be kind of screwed. I guess run the hell out of here?

19. Would you get plastic surgery? no offense, I just don’t think it’s for me.

20. Who do you text the most? dunno.

21. What color are your eyes? green.

22. How tall are you?5’7.

23. Do you wish you had smaller feet? yes.

24. Has a rumor been spread about you? yes.

25. Have you written a secret admirer letter? ….no.

26. Ever fallen for your best friend? hmmm, they’ve always been girls, so no.

27. Age you lost your virginity? ….i’m not answering that.

28. Would you pretend to like something to please your partner? depends….mexican food I can pretend to like, slasher films I don’t think I could go along with as easily.

29. Favorite Ex? ……that’s a crap question.

30. Are you insecure about your weight? yes.

31. Ever had a sexual fantasy? ….

32. Would you rather give or recieve? what?

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? a bit of both?

34. Do you look like your mom or dad? hmmmm…probably more like my mom.

35. How long does it take you in the shower? not long…10 minutes?

36. Do you watch reality tv? not really.

37. What movie do you want to see right now? none that are coming out soon…they all look kind of crap.

38. Do you illegally burn music? not really.

39. What did you do for New Years Eve? went over to David’s party with Elaina and all of them.

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy? I didn’t see it.

41. Last sporting event attended? Gator football game.

42. Have you been to an IMAX theater? yes.

43. Was your mom a cheerleader? haha no.

44. Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? yes.

45. What is your middle name? Lynn.

46. How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? 37.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? recently, about 4-5.

48. Last time you had sex?….

49. What do you buy at the Movies? usually nothing…maybe an icee.

50. Do you know how to play poker? yes.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt? yes.

52. What do you wear to sleep??running shorts or pj pants and a t-shirt.

53. Anything big ever happen in your town? hmmm..the art festival???

54. Is your hair straight or curly?wavy….it can’t commit.

55. Is your tongue pierced? no.

56. Do you like Liver and Onions? no.

57. What is your favorite sushi? something in a roll.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better? funny.

59. Ever been to Hollywood? yes.

60. Who is on your mind right now? Colin.

61. Any plans for tonight?studying.

62. Last party attended?dunno?

63. Do you hate chocolate?haha no.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?nothing…we don’t fight.

65. Are you a gullible person?yes.

66. Ever go to a theme or costume party? yes

67. If you could have any job what would it be? writer.

68. Are you easy to get along with? i hope so.

69. What is your favorite time of day? the early early morning when I don’t have class or work but I never see it….I like that though,the whole day spread out in front of you.

70. Are you a generally happy person? yes. I’d like to think so.

You said that you wanted to rearrange the world for us………. and that I shouldn’t change my life for you…but it’s too late for that anyway. I remember grabbing your hand in the darkness, the lights flickering blindingly….was it light or was it dark?….and hoping against hope, hoping because there was nothing else to do, hoping, praying, that you would grasp back….one, two, one, two, one…all the beats get lost, all the world disappears, and there is just one path left to take. I hope you take it too.

 

I’d been looking for this version of this song online for a while….you see, when you don’t bring any cd’s with you and don’t have the money to buy them again, this is what you’re reduced to.

I love this song…it always reminds me of camping over Spring Break in my freshman year of college. I came back home and went with my friends Corie, Colleen, my then-boyfriend, and a couple other tag alongs. I remember sitting at the camp site with Corie and Colleen, drinking some crazy mixed drink that tasted like high-c gone wrong but definitely did the trick. I miss times like that….with my girlfriends, before life got complicated.

Now we’re all scattered every which way and it’s like, even when we are together again, we can’t connect anymore..Something got lost. It was one of the last really kid-ish things that I guess we’ll all get to do together….

I’ve been trying to figure out the key moments when I knew it really hit me that I was growing/grown up…

When I was 15 and my friend was going off to war in Iraq…when I realized that it wasn’t our parents or our parent’s parents doing the fighting anymore…that he could die.

When Adam’s dad died…

When Sarah died…

When my ex-boyfriend started to really do drugs and then watching him withdraw.

Him living with me for weeks….and the break up afterwards.

Adam’s wedding.

Maggie’s wedding.

Maggie’s baby being born.

My sister spending Thanksgiving with her boyfriend’s family.

Going to Glasgow…and being completely alone in a foreign city.

Going to the doctor by myself.

hmmmmm…….I really enjoy life…I just don’t know how I grew up so quickly.

Statistics Headache

hmmmm……

“According to food and environmental hygiene department of the Hong Kong SAR, 27% of all soup products in local supermarkets do not carry nutritional labelling. In addition, 83% of breakfast meats and 59% of hot dog products in local supermarkets also do not carry nutritional labelling. If these three food products are considered together as a whole, 60% would be soup products, 35% would be breakfast meats, and 5% would be hot dogs.

a) consider only these three food products in local supermarkets, what proportion of these food products do not carry nutritional labelling?

b) if a food product in a local supermarket is randomly selected from these three groups and it is found to have nutritional labelling, what are the probabilities that it is (i) a soup product, (ii) a breakfast meat, and (iii) a hot dog product?”

What the hell does that even mean??? and why am I eating mystery meat???

hmmm…I remember in high school, I was ridiculously driven for a while…I mean, I was never late, never an assignment not done on time, never got into any trouble…ever.

I feel like if that girl ever met the me that I’ve become, she wouldn’t even recognize me. I’ve started to slowly, bit by bit, slack off more over the last couple of years. I think it has something to do with the fact that I had a goal back then….to get to the University…but, once I got there,  I didn’t have a clue what my next goal was supposed to be.

I just…don’t care anymore. I realize that this is bad…because, no matter what I end up doing with my life, a college degree is kind of a necessity now. And yet…I just can’t seem to get myself to care.

Where do you think we go when we die?  Do you think Sarah is happy now?  Do you really believe she’s at peace?

I remember going to my grandmother’s funeral when I was about six.  She had been my best friend and then she was just…gone.  Her life was so hard…she grew up in the depression, lived in and out of the convent’s orphanage because her mother couldn’t afford to keep all of the kids at home all of the time, fell in love with my grandfather, had two beautiful daughters, and then a divorce.

My mother told me once that she only ever heard my grandmother laugh once in her entire life. I hope she’s at peace now. But who knows…

Sometimes I think about all that my parents, grandparents, great grandparents, and all the rest have done for me. All that they sacrificed just so that I could have a better life. I always think…man, I’m wasting it all. I don’t think they would be very proud of me…and I can’t really say that I’d blame them.

It’s funny how where your from depends on where you are at the time; when I’m in America, I’m Irish….when I’m anywhere else, I’m American. Do other countries have this? I don’t know….

A lot of times I feel like there is no home left except that which you keep in yourself.

I suppose everyone feels like this sometimes…..I’m sorry, I wish I could get through this quicker.

It’s easy to believe in absolutes when you’re a child….it just gets so much harder to take things at face value as you get older. Maybe you’re wiser or maybe you’ve just been burned too many times to trust completely. Which is another big question; after a certain age, can you ever really trust completely, wholly opening yourself to be completely vulnerable again?

I don’t sleep very well anymore. Night always brings out the worst thoughts. I find myself staying up at odd hours, unable to stop thinking about things that I can crush down in the day. When people hear that I don’t sleep well, they ask me what’s wrong….and it is nice to know that someone cares, but truly, who wants to hear about these things? It’s my life…you have enough to worry about.

Sometimes when I really cannot sleep, I go for walks. It’s like no one else exists in the world at those odd hours….like the whole world can wait. I like to walk down to the ocean, watch the waves breaking if it’s a clear night. Sometimes I think that there is a part of me that’s missing…something essential, but I’ve learned to function without it…like a limb or eyesight.

My parents visited my brother in Russia a few years ago now and met all of his friends at the time. My mother commented on one of his girl friends…that she was nice and sweet and all, but that she was too independent, too ready to travel. She said that the girl made a great friend but that she would hate to have her as a daughter-in-law, that those kinds of girls hardly marry and, if they do, will never make good wives. Lately, I’ve felt like I might just be one of those girls…….what if I’m the broken girl that just travels, with no real home, breaking off attachments as soon as she gets them? Boys are supposed to want these things, this is natural for them, but girls….we’re supposed to want other things.

I know myself well enough now to know that there’s always going to be another place….it’s never going to end.

I miss the church…..I miss believing in something. I miss faith.

hmmm….so I should probably mention that I don’t really know what a blog is supposed to be.
Am I just supposed to give you my opinion on politics? Hmm…there are probably enough of those….I’d go so far as to say there are way too many of those.

I’ve never really liked the idea of a blog….

I use the word “I” an unnatural amount…

I’m planning on going to Taipei next weekend…so very excited about that.
I talked to Colin about our ever-changing plans for the future…..we’ve decided that we are at least going to live together in Edinburgh for the Summer and figure out the rest after that. I don’t know. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life…

…I guess I always figured that you would get to college and have it all planned out in a year or so, then just work towards it and enjoy life…..but lately I’ve just felt like I’m floating between decisions…

I want to do something that has some meaning…I don’t want to just waste my time with a job that contributes nothing. But I don’t know if I’d be any good at teaching. I don’t know…who knows what the future holds? I sure as heck do not.

All I know at this point is that home is not an option….other than that, the future is wide open.

I would tell you about my friends back home, about my family, about the things that I truly care about, but it just makes it too hard. It’s all I think about anyway, I don’t need to write about it or talk about it to have it on my mind.